As freshman year nears its end, I am busy with papers, presentations, and moving plans. However, today demands that I pause to sit and reflect, along with many of my loved ones. Today we mourn the loss of our beloved Jason; my cousin, my blood, but most importantly, my friend. Jason has been gone from us physically two years now. But he remains in our thoughts and in our hearts as a guardian angel to us all.

I learned quite a few lessons when Jason died. I later took those lessons and put them in writing for a class paper. I did this because my aunt, who never asks anything of me, made a request:

“Tell people about Jason. Do not let his death be for nothing.”

The time has come for me to remind people of the priceless life lessons we learn. Aunt Brenda, this is for you so that others may hopefully never have to experience this grief.

1. Value your time with your loved ones

I had never been to my maternal grandmother’s grave, but my mom and I were near there when we were headed home from a road trip with my youth choir. So, we paid my grandmother a visit. Mom and I talked about death and what we wanted when we died.

The concept of knowing what I wanted for my family after I was gone boggled my mind. I was too young to even think about death. After all, I was only seventeen. People die when they are old and have experienced all life has to offer. Little did I know I was about to learn my first lesson in heartache.

When we got home everything seemed normal. My dogs jumped and barked, and dinner was on the stove. I looked out the back window and saw my father in the yard on the phone. After he hung up, he came inside, upset. I asked who was on the phone. And that’s when he told me. “Jason is dead.”

My cousin, Jason, was only twenty-five. He was my favorite aunt’s son and he had a twin brother named Ricky. The twins and I were the Three Musketeers. I would visit them in Panama City at least once a year. The three of us would watch movies, go to the beach, and do mischievous things our parents would not want us to do.

I never expected to lose Jason. I had never thought about losing anyone I loved. I wish I could go back in time and memorize our every moment together. I know now to value the time we have with loved ones because we never know how much time we will have.

2. It is never too late

Jason died on a Sunday. His funeral was the following Thursday. Everyone close to Jason came.

The focus was on mourning my cousin, but we were also thinking about my father and paternal grandfather. They had not spoken in twenty years. My father was a pallbearer and my grandfather sang during the service, yet each kept to his respective corner. When the time came to leave the wake, an amazing thing happened. My grandfather walked up to my father and they hugged.

That hug taught me that hope exists even in death. Jason would have loved to have seen what happened. Oh, I also learned it is never too late to call a truce.

3. Coping

Learning to cope with the death of a loved one is very difficult. After I recovered from the initial shock, I became very angry with Jason. How could he do that to his family? Worse, was that my Aunt Brenda had to bury one of her sons on the Thursday before Mother’s Day. I was enraged. After a while, though, I started to realize that maybe Jason did not know he was going to affect our family as much as he did. I am no longer mad at him, but I still get distressed about his death.

My family as a whole, my aunt, and my life will never be the same. I learned to move on by realizing even though Jason is dead, he will live on in my heart and I can still love him.

4. Life is short

Life flies by and what seems like a moment in reality is two years. As I think of everything that has happened in the past two years, I wonder, am I living my life fully? Will I be satisfied with the way I have lived if I were to die tomorrow? Would Jason be proud of me? Since Jason died, I have danced, sung, cried, swam in the ocean, skied on mountain tops; but most importantly, I have matured and learned to value every day, no matter what it holds.

Live for the moment, as if you are going to die tomorrow. Life is too short to try to live it to please others. Live your life for yourself, but be full of love and respect.

5. Remember where you came from

Always remember your family and what they have done for you. These are the special friends who leave footprints on our hearts. I have learned to be thankful for all people have done for me, and the person they have helped me become. We would not be who we are without them.

6. Don’t look back

How can we possibly see what lies ahead if we are stuck looking back? “What ifs” and “if onlys” do not matter. Do not live with regret for mistakes, but instead embrace what can be learned from them. Look toward tomorrow and all the hope and joy it holds. That does not mean to forget the past, it means do not let memories bring you sorrow.

7. Live, love, and remember

Simple as that. Keep in touch with loved ones. Never let a day go by that you do not think of them and remember them in your prayers. Today, as I walked to class, I paused. It was just for a moment, but that single moment held so much. I closed my eyes, tilted my head as the sun shone on my face, breathed, and felt the warm embrace of love no longer here, but still very much alive.

Please do not let my cousin’s death be for nothing. Learn from the pain and grief my family has endured, and do not bring this grief on those you hold dear.

Leslie A. DeLuna
Jason’s Cousin

Jason Lee Grubbs
Twenty-five Years Old

Jason was a cocaine addict. Not long before he died, he called his mother’s home and talked to his stepfather, Tommy. Jason told him he wanted to stop hurting his mother. His last words to Tommy were, “Tell Mom I love her.”

Jason’s mom wrote these words shortly after his death. They now can be said to Jason’s twin brother, Rick, as well. He suicided while this book was being written.

I saw you today
Not with my eyes, with my mind
I hugged you today
Not with my arms, with my heart
I heard you whisper, "Mommy"
Not in my ears, through the wind
My ears heard the thunder crack
My heart feels the impact
My mind understands
Why you decided to go
My heart refuses
To believe it was so
I saw you today
Not with my eyes, with my mind
I hugged you today
Not with my arms, with my heart
I told you I love you today
Not in words, with longing

Brenda Adkins
Mother to Jason and Rick